How to Stay Sane on Maternity Leave
by SuperheroLover22
Summary: With one kid already, and another on the way...Lois knows there's only one way to stay sane until she goes back to work and it means some clever planning, subterfuge and involving her husband in her "dastardly" plot against a popular figure on TV.


**How to Stay Sane on Maternity Leave**

Lois couldn't take it anymore.

If she heard that voice one more time, she just might take a gun to her head, or at least blow his up, and be done with it. But then she thought of her 4-year-old daughter and the to-be-determined gender of baby in her belly. She couldn't do that to them. For one, Lanes were not quitters...she'd never take her own life...but God that voice was so damn annoying! I mean if she ever were to murder someone it'd be the bearer of that voice. But the idea of spending years behind bars missing her children and leaving them without a mother was unbearable. And she couldn't do _that_ to them either. Besides, there was no way Clark could raise them on his own, what with his duties as Super-.

Lois's thoughts were interrupted when her husband, sporting his dorky glasses that she loved, his work "uniform" and a smile, entered the Kent family living room and greeted his wife with a kiss. Lois grinned when he crouched down and turned his attention to her protruding stomach.

"Hey there, champ! Did you treat your mommy well today? You know how she gets when she's mad and-."

Clark stopped speaking when he noticed Loi's grin had formed into a frown and her eyebrows were furrowed. As he returned to his full height and studied her face. After seven years of marriage on top of the seven years they knew each other beforehand, Clark had become quite adept at recognizing each one of Lois's many faces. As he continued to stare, Lois suddenly jumped, as if she had been startled, and the face he had determined was one of contemplative worry, transformed into devilish smile.

Lois turned her attention to Clark, her eyes bright with mischief. He knew that look all too well-he categorized it as trouble.

"Lois?" he asked warily. "What are you up to?"

Lois looked at his classic look of concern and smiled sweetly.

"Oh, Smallville. Don't worry. The less you know about my evil plot the better," Lois told him reassuringly.

Clark wasn't convinced his wife had gone off the deep end, entirely, but he understood her "reassurance" as a sign to back off. For now, he shrugged it off, knowing she'd include him in this dastardly deed soon enough, as always. To keep his mind off Lois he went and sat down on the couch next to his daughter Helen. She was watching her favorite show and barely noticed her dad sit down next to her.

"Helen? Sweetheart?" Clark questioned.

Helen slowly tore her eyes away from the screen to face Clark. She looked confused.

"Daddy? When did you get here?"

"Not too long ago. Listen, sweetie, I'm sorry I'm interrupting your show but I wanted to ask if any thing unusual has happened today."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I was talking to Mommy a little bit ago and she seemed..." Clark struggled to find the right word. The first one that popped into his head was "weird" but that didn't quite cut it. And "strange" was next up in his mind but that didn't really sum up Lois' behavior either. So, after a brief pause he went with, "Mommy was not herself."

"You mean that lady's not my mommy but a clone? I wonder why she acts like mommy. Is she like mommy's twin? How long has mommy been gone?"

Clark struggled to suppress a chuckle. His adorable daughter was similar to her mother, especially when it came to some of the wilder ideas she had when they were younger. But his little Lois remind him that he really needed to get Lois to stop letting Helen watch horror movie marathons with her. Once he'd suppressed his urge to laugh he answered, "No, that's not what I meant. Don't worry that is your mommy."

"But how do you know?" she asked in a hushed whisper.

"Trust me. I know," he told the wide blue eyes staring back at him that were accompanied with a frown.

"Sweetheart, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to know if there was anything different about Mommy earlier today."

The little girl shook her head no. "She does the same thing everyday. She talks about how much she misses work and how much she misses you. And she always makes me cereal in the morning but not the boring kind you bought, the kind with the sugar," she pauses. "Oh. Mommy said that was a'possddabe a secret."

"It's okay. Thank you. Now enjoy your show."

Helen leans over and gives him a hug. She then immediately returns her attention to the television. Clark sighed slightly as he gets up, leaving Helen to her all too important television show: "Barney". It never ceased to send a shiver down his spine when he thought about his daughter's obsession with the purple and green dinosaur. But, she was young – she would grow out of it.

**Later...**

Lois paced her and Clark's bedroom with impatience. It was obvious to her that the person on the other end of her phone conversation was the dumbest person alive. She knew she shouldn't be getting so mad when she was eight months pregnant but she needed to get through the thick skull of the person on the phone. She stopped for a moment and listened.

"Listen, _sir_," she intoned sarcastically. "I don't care about your regulations that only performers can wear-"

She listened again. She could feel her anger rising.

"Alright buddy, I tried to be nice. But honestly, I'm eight months pregnant, have a kid already, my hormones are raging and I've been forced to go on maternity leave. Now, I don't care how but you're going to get me the damn thing! I've got take care of this problem for good."

She sits down on the bed and readies herself to start shelling out some big fake tears, when a new voice comes over the line and agrees to make an exception.

"Thank you so much! Send it to the Daily Planet care of Lois Lane-Kent. It'll give me a chance to sn- I mean go see my friends at work."

She pauses for a moment a slight frown forms.

"Yes, _the_ Lois Lane ."

Her frown almost turns into a snarl of anger when she realizes her order is of the utmost importance .

"Sure, I'll try and get you Superman's autograph. I can't make any promises though," she told the person in a far to syupy voice.

Finally everything was almost in place, was Lois' first thought as she hung up. Very soon her masterful plan would come to fruition, and Lois couldn't wait.

**The next day…**

Lois woke up with a huge smile on her face, for many different reasons. The first being that Clark was still sound asleep next to her, with his arm wrapped protectively around her. Then there was the fact that she was going to the Daily Planet today, which she sorely missed, even though she'd only been on maternity leave for a week. She knew they could possibly get along without her but she liked to think they couldn't. It was the only way to make it semi-bearable to be away from the fast-paced hub of journalism she loved so much. And finally, she was going to get rid of that damn dinosaur once and for all.

She lay in bed a little while longer just watching Clark sleep, before she got up and began getting ready for the day. She walked into one of the two bathrooms in their four-bedroom townhouse and took as quick a shower as she could. Then she got dressed and went downstairs to start making breakfast…or at least getting out the cereal and a clean bowl and spoon for Helen.

She went back upstairs to wake up her daughter for pre-school, which she only attended three days a week.

She gently touched the little girl's shoulder and called out, "Helen Kent, your education awaits. So, up and at 'em! Hop to it soldier."

The little girl sleepily turned over and smiled up at her mommy.

"You sound just like grandpa," she giggled. Lois smiled down at her daughter and laughed too.

"Alright sleepy-head, get up, and brush your teeth. I picked out your outfit last night and it's over there hanging on the doorknob. Be downstairs in twenty minutes or your cereal will get soggy and I won't give you anymore, okay?"

"Okay, mommy," she said, with a pouting bottom lip, as she climbed out of bed and walked sleepily to the other bathroom.

Lois smiled after her daughter. She walked back into her and Clark's bedroom and found him in his Superman costume.

"Clark?"

"Hey," he said as he crossed the room and pulled her into his arms, planting a loving kiss on her. When he pulled away, he looked down and realized he needed to change.

"So, who'd you save today?" she asked with a smirk.

"Save? What are you talking about? This is my Halloween costume Lois. It's not like I'm Superman," he answered with a smirk of his own.

"Wise-ass," she said lovingly as she tossed a pair of socks at his head, which he caught easily. "And, a cheater, apparently."

"I can't help it Lois. You throw like a girl," Clark laughed.

"You know Smallville, if I didn't love you so much, I think I'd be offended," Lois said, with her hands mockingly placed on her hips. "Besides you need to get dressed, you're taking Helen to pre-school and then me to work."

"Lois. You're on maternity leave. It means you're supposed to leave the office."

"Oh, come on Clark! I'm so bored here during the day. I just want to breathe in that smell that's unique to the Planet. Visit some friends. And pick-up a package," she whispered the last part quietly.

Clark quickly changed before asking, "What package?"

"Damn. I always forget about the super-hearing."

Clark grinned at this.

"Well, I ordered something special…but it's not something I could open here," Lois explained.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. So, are you ready to go?"

"Wait. That's all you're going to tell me?"

"Oh, Smallville. You'll just have to wait. It's a surprise."


End file.
